sbparent.com Parenting Support Challenge Blog Results During the Fall of 2007, local parent resource website, SBparent.com did a Parenting Support Challenge where 5 people from Santa Barbara and Ventura Counties completed a parent education program and journaled their experiences in blog format. Here are the blogs from Cindy who completed the Becoming a Love and Logic Parent Seminar by Family Fuel. {Other shorter testimonials are at the bottom of this page, just scroll down!!} Cindy week 1 Parenting Support Challenge 11/07/07 [Family Fuel - Love and Logic Seminar] Let me start with a little information about my family. My husband of 13 years and I have 2 girls who are 3.5 years old and 14 months old. We both grew up in a household where yelling and hitting was the preferred method for behavior modification. We don't want to raise our children this way and know there has got to be something that isn't too hippy-dippy or too permissive. I've gone to a few parenting classes to find something that works with my personality and my family. Sadly I've discovered most of them wouldn't work and the methods seem alien to me. I was starting to despair that my quest was hopeless. This all changed Monday night. I attended my first "Becoming a Love and Logic Parent" class taught by Steve and Judy Osterhage. I was a bit nervous about going since I was unsure what the class would entail. I walked in and was immediately greeted by the Osterhage's which set me at ease since they seemed so friendly and welcoming. The class is a mix of oral presentation from Steve and Judy combined with a series of short video clips from the creators of the program. The main message I took home from the program was the best way I can help my children learn is to let them make mistakes. In fact, I should be hoping for mistakes since they are relatively costless at this point of their lives. But instead of telling my children what they should learn from their mistakes, I was to let them tell me what they learned and then let them tell me how to avoid the negative outcome in the future. If they couldn't think of a remedy, then I could supply some and let them make the connection to the appropriate choice. I immediately saw how I could put this into practice. When my daughter goes to the kitchen sink to wash her hands, she attempts to wash the cups in the sink. My reaction is to tell her to stop and get down from the sink. It irritates me that she is "playing" when she should be doing what I ask. So from now on when she goes to the sink to wash, I'll allow her to wash a few dishes, let them dry and if they are dirty say something like "oh my goodness, this cup looks dirty. What do you think we should do about this?" Then ask her how she thinks it could be fixed. Of course she'll want to rewash it and eventually with practice she'll be able to do it without leaving it soapy and dirty. The point is she is learning how to do something without me telling her what to do, she sees the consequence and she finds the solution. I am just the facilitator in her learning. This small change in my attitude and behavior will allow her the room to grow and become the wonderful adult I know she will be someday. I really can't comment on the other parents in the class since I was so excited about how I can help my daughter's become responsible without lecturing them. I can't wait to go to my next class. Cindy week 2 Parenting Support Challenge 11/14/07 [Family Fuel] This week I learned about letting my children make choices. As they grow, they will be confronted with more and more choices. Yet as parents, we can make the mistake of limiting their choices as they grow. So by the time they hit their late teens, we have stripped them of the ability to make choices since we are dictating how they should behave. It seems backwards that parents let their toddlers/pre-schoolers make many choices then by the teen years try to limit their decision making abilities. The teen years are the time children need the practice since they will one day leave the house. Therefore, at a young age we should let them make choices so they feel as though they have some control in their lives but more importantly they learn the process of make choices. Then as the children grow, allow them more and more choices. Side note, I can't tell you how many times I've been to dinner or overheard other diners ask their preteens or teens what they want to eat and they respond "I don't know", then the parents get irritated. The few teens I've spoken with have told me they were happier with their parents deciding what they should eat! While this may seem ok with some parents, I don't want my daughters to do this. I want them to have an opinion and to be able to make decisions some more important than what they want to eat! Starting this week, I've let my daughter make more decisions. The technique is to offer 2 choices BOTH of which I am happy with and let her pick one of the two. For instance, I wanted her to wear sturdy shoes to her play date so she could run and play without falling. So I offered her either her pink cowboy boots or her pink kitty cat Vans. She asked for her pink sparkly dance shoes and I said that wasn't a choice and she had to pick from the two offered or I would make a choice for her. She chose her cowboy boots. No crying, no forcing her to wear something she did not pick! I've also started asking her if she wants to get in the in the car first or last. Of course she picks first and then quickly gets in the car. No forcing her into her seat anymore since she got to go "first". She is capable of dressing herself, but I now ask if she wants to do it or if she wants me to do it. Surprisingly, she has asked that I do it a few times. I then ask what sock to put on first, left or right. She picks and I comply. Then if she wants her shirt or pants next, then I comply. I don't have to force or beg her to put her clothes on. The best part is with teeth brushing. She hates to do it. Before bed, we allow her ? hour show (Backyardigans). For the last 3 nights, I've stopped in the middle of the show and have asked her if she wants to brush her teeth right now or after the show. Of course she says afterwards. Last night when the show ended, she got up and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. No fight. Finally, I'm in the process of potty training so while she is playing, I ask "use the potty now or in 5 minutes?" She consistently picks 5 minutes. When the 5 minutes are up, I tell her it's time to use the potty and she does! For the last week, she has started to whine and cry when I've said "it's time to use the potty now". No more crying. Life is good. Thanks Steve and Judy. PS. I swear I am not friends with Steve and Judy nor have I met them before last week. I just LOVE their program and techniques and have found it so useful. Cindy Cindy week 3, family fuel Parenting Support Challenge 11/26/07 [Family Fuel, becoming a love and logic parent] One of the aspects of the class I really like is how the techniques can be used from toddlers to teens (and older). Some of the material is more appropriate for a child older than mine (3.5 years) but it's great to get the knowledge now so I can start to practice and use it. When my daughter asks me for something or asks to do something that I don't want her to do, instead of saying no, I usually say "I'll think about it". Then she forgets and it's a non-issue. But as she grows, I can't keep doing this since she'll ask again. Well this last class addressed this issue. Specifically instead of beginning with no, we can begin with yes. For example, my daughter loves to paint so this weekend she asked me if she could paint and I said, "Yes of course you may paint, as soon as you put all your books away and go to the potty". What I would have said before was "no you can't paint until you pick up your books and go to the potty" or "I'll think about it, why don't you put your books away and use the potty?" The love and logic way and my way have the same request of cleaning up and pottying but the love and logic way is positive where mine was negative. Using the new method, her response was to immediately clean up her books and while I was setting up her paint she was using the potty. No this is not how it usually goes. Usually she starts to whine or cry and refuses to clean up. My reaction is to help her clean up and direct her to pick up this then pick up that and so forth. Next I go to the bathroom with her while she cries and I have to convince her she has to go. This process left me irritated and angry since she is old enough to clean up her books and does not need my direction to do it. I guess this source of irritation might be gone. The other great thing about beginning with yes is that it works on adults. This quarter I'm teaching a class at UCSB. I get numerous emails from students asking me if I can do things for them. For example, because they missed class, can I send them solutions and steps to solve the problems I've worked out in class. Humm my answer is NO, I will not spend my time typing math solutions. But instead I've been saying yes, as soon as you try the problem then email me and let me know where you got stuck then I'll give you a hint to get unstuck so you can finish the problem then send me the answer and I'll let you know if it is correct or not. It keeps me from getting angry and still letting them know I am willing to help? The other great technique taught was to teach our children when they hurt someone to first say "are you ok?" then if the answer is no, to ask "what do you need from me?". Then ask "will you forgive me?" followed by "do you still want to play?" I really like this because my child has started to say sorry to the child she hurts then runs off to play. I know she isn't really sorry and I dislike it when my friends encourage my child to apologize. This technique will help her learn consequences to her actions without me telling her what she should have learned. Better yet, when another child hurts her, I can ask her if she still wants to play with them and teach her that what she wants is important and I will protect her and back her. Before this last class, if she were hurt, I would have helped her then said to go and continue to play with the other child who hurt her. Tonight is my last class, I hope it is as great as the last classes have been. Actually I don't have to hope, I know that it will be great and I will learn something that will help my family. Cindy week 4 Parenting Support Challenge 12/05/07 Family Fuel: Becoming a love and logic parent One of the things I was concerned about was how would I ever remember everything from the classes? Some of the material/techniques would be great for an older child so would my memory be correct when dealing with my child in 5 years? Of course it wouldn't be! Well Judy and Steve offer deeply discounted rates for repeat/refresher courses. I plan on taking the classes again in the future. Also I took the class without my husband; he graciously agreed to dinner/baths/bedtime without my assistance so I could take the classes. He wanted to go but couldn't. Again a solution presented itself. For situations like ours, the rates for a spouse who attends a later class are again deeply discounted. I'm pretty sure the next class is in late January or early February and my husband will be attending. I believe as a parent that I am raising my daughters to be capable, self-sufficient young women. But more importantly, I'm raising them for the day they will leave my home and live a life separate from mine. I love them so much that I'm willing to let them suffer their choices now to learn life long lessons. I've never understood those parents who purposefully handicap their children in the name of love and protection. This class further entrenched my ideology and gave me the support to have confidence in my decisions. I haven't met any other parents with the same beliefs as mine. I really can't say that the parents in the class we like me, I think because the class covers a range of material that one can pick and choose what will work in their lives. Due to this aspect, the classes would appeal to a broad range of parents and parenting styles. The practical application that I'm going to implement when my daughter is 4 is an allowance. I had planned on giving my daughter an allowance that was separate from chores. Why? Because my daughters need to learn how to manage money, how to delay gratification (saving for something special), and how to asses the quality of the object she desires. I will not dictate what she can or cannot buy. There will be a few things off limits like caffeine drinks and toy weapons but otherwise she will be able to purchase anything she wants without hearing my opinion. Why? In the hopes she will make bad choices! I fully expect her to buy cheaply made toys that will break within hours of purchase. But she will learn an important lesson which is to examine her purchases for quality. This lesson will not be learned the first time but hopefully she'll catch on after a few purchases. Is it a waste of money? Well it's not my money to spend; it's her money so yes she has wasted her money. But which is better, wasting money as a child or as an adult? Her mistakes now are not as costly as her adult mistakes. When my daughter is a pre-teen, she will start to contribute a percentage of her allowance toward household expenses. Why? So she learns how to budget and how household expenses vary from month to month. I fully plan on sitting down with her each month with the utility bills and showing her how to understand them and then get to a point where she calculates her share without my intervention. I don't want my daughter ignorant of finances, either her own or our household. Her contribution will be small, maybe 1%-5% not including rent/mortgage. There were a few other applications taught in the class but I won't go into detail here. Take the class and find out for yourself. I think the money you spend will be returned to you in the form of a better relationship with your children if you implement some of the techniques. And isn't a quality relationship with our children priceless? PS. As a reminder I am not affiliated with Steve and Judy or the program in anyway. You might think I was since I have such a great opinion of the program! PSS. I'm trying to figure out a way to leave Steve and Judy my children if my husband and I die. Any suggestions? Comments: Steve Osterhage(email) Santa Barbara, CA 12/05/07 I must say Cindy, you fully "get" the big picture of Love and Logic Parenting. As your instructor, it has been great to get to know you! Your kids are lucky to have you as a parent!! What an honor to read all of your amazing comments about us. Other Testimonials: Any parent could benefit from the Family Fuel classes.  What I love about Steve and Judy is their passion for helping families.  They are honest, realistic and they bring a sense of humor into their approach.  My husband and I enjoyed having the purposeful time to focus on our parenting. Julie Sorenson, SBParent.com - 12/1/06 The Love and Logic program has been very helpful to our family!   As parents of 3 children ages 4, 6, and 8, we found the information in the Love and Logic training to be immediately applicable and we noticed positive changes right away. One aspect that we especially appreciate about Love and Logic is the emphasis on raising kids who are resourceful and responsible, not merely compliant.  As our oldest is moving into his "tween" years, we are again reminded of how soon he will be making important decisions for his own life, safety, well being and future.  Love and Logic orients parents toward a parenting strategy that is aimed at raising competent, responsible and self motivated kids.  From the moment our kids were born, we have experienced the joy of parenting three wonderful children.  However, we like all parents, have experienced times of exhaustion and frustration balancing life's demands for our family.  Love and Logic provided us with new skills and tools that are immensely helpful to us and to our kids!  As parents, and, as faith community leaders who work with many other families, we highly recommend this tool to any interested parent.  Steve and Judy Osterhage do a fantastic job of facilitating Love and Logic training events which are fun and entertaining as well as exceptionally helpful.  As parents themselves, they can relate to the real world stresses and challenges that being a parent involves and offer examples and solutions to common problems from applied experience not just abstract "parenting theory."  Additionally, Judy's extensive background working with foster kids and parents provides a range of expertise and experience that can bring insight into a wide variety of specific issues parents may face.   The O's are readily available to offer post-training support, and to help offer suggestions and encouragements long after the training events.  They do so with tremendous energy and passion.  Family Fuel indeed!   Billy and Kristin Calderwood, Lead Pastors, the Aqueous Community -11/28/06 When I signed up for this class, I had no idea how many generations you'd be affecting. This work is changing me in significant ways and it's now changing not only my relationship with my daughter but my mother, as well. This is bound to effect our future generations, too. My thank you is so deeply felt. It's really huge! Wendy Fox, parent of 12 year old -11/27/06 I appreciated working with you and Judy given the balance of warmth and professionalism you convey. I felt confident and see it was not unfounded, that you would provide training to our church family in the area of parenting. You were eager to serve our church, so willing to adapt to our needs/interests as a unique group and went the extra mile in terms of being available. You presented the material and made yourself available during breaks and after the meetings in such a way that demonstrates your commitment to helping families for the long haul, not just to disseminate material and leave. This is a unique approach to educational seminars and underscores the integrity of your message. I would not hesitate to engage your services in the future and wish you much luck as you care for families through Love and Logic. Children’s Ministry Director, Santa Barbara Community Church - 11/2/06 Using Love and Logic Parenting strategies have really helped keep my temper in check. I am now more calm and in control when I need to discipline my children. I've realized I don't have to yell to be effective. PEP Mom of 2 toddlers -10/30/06 The Love and Logic Program is easy to understand and easy to practice.  Respect is the foundation for all Love and Logic interactions and when anyone, child or adult is approached with respect the results are rewarding.  If children are spoken with in a respectful tone and manner, we are setting up a fantastic example of how they can interact with the rest of the world. Judy and Steve Osterhage are the ideal presenters.  They use humor, stories, and detailed examples of their success and challenges with their own children.  In the end, you get the sense that they are genuine and authentic in their practice of Love and Logic Parenting.  It seems to really work! Sonia Diaz-Ebadi, Director, Casa Alegria Preschool - 10/29/06 With Love & Logic, I have enjoyed the "positive posturing" of language that I now use with my son. Instead of saying "no" or "don't" most of the time, I now say "yes". (Yes, you can have that toy, after you put this toy away). It puts a positive spin on our relationship. Love & Logic has provided the tools to help me guide and nurture my son. It takes a lot of energy to discipline a child. With Love & Logic I am using my creativity and positive energy as I approach difficult encounters with him. In the end, I find that I feel proud of my accomplishment, my relationship with my son is strong & secure, and he is learning valuable life lessons with my help. Judy and Steve have been invaluable in supporting our efforts to implement Love & Logic in our home. I especially appreciate their availability for e-mail and phone consultations, which take into account our particular circumstances. They are thoughtful, helpful, and quick to respond--ready-made counselors & cheering squad! Amy H., Mother of 2 year old – 10/28/06 Steve & Judy presented a thoroughly understandable, step-by-step guide for us to provide our children with a stress-free environment.  The class was interesting, educational and, at times, humorous - which always helps in raising small children! The Love & Logic program has helped my husband and I implement the many techniques that we needed to successfully manage anger in our household during the important formative years of raising little ones. Scott & Nancy Boger, Parents of two under six, Santa Barbara Community Church – 10/28/06 My wife and I found the Love and Logic program very easy to use with our children.  Love and Logic is very intuitive and action oriented.  Not just a philosophical fluff.  Judy and Steve present the material in a fun atmosphere and are very accessible with after class and via email. Josh & Jennifer Gustafson, Parents of two toddlers, Santa Barbara Community Church Members – 10/27/06 The most difficult part about parenting is not knowing what to do when a situation arises.  Love and Logic has given us the tools so that we know what to do no matter what happens.  It has put my husband and I on the same parenting page adding consistency to our household.  With our second child on the way this gift is priceless.   Bill & Christy Janka, Parents of a two year old – 10/27/06 Steve and Judy Osterhage are a dynamic husband-and-wife team who work smoothly in tandem as they present very practical Love and Logic tools that can be immediately implemented.  Because they honestly present themselves as fellow travelers on the parenting journey, they are not intimidating but rather inspiring.  They can laugh at themselves as they share their mistakes.  The audience loved their role play of the three parenting styles.  Their rich background of experience allows them to field questions about kids at all stages.  Our parents felt this was a very worthwhile evening and we look forward to having Steve and Judy return again!  Endorsed by Fern Sikich, President, Santa Barbara Christian Homesteaders, Inc. (a local home schooling support group of 100 families) – 10/27/06 My husband and I have become more calm and happy parents to our 4 year & 2 year old boys because of the skills we have learned in Love & Logic. Steve and Judy present the information in an easy "hands on" way. Each class provides you with practical advice that you can use immediately.  It is obvious that Steve & Judy are passionate about helping parents. They are approachable and LOVE to talk about how to help your family. They respond to emails questions with thoughtful and timely responses. There have even been times when Judy received my email and then called me on the phone to talk thru the situation that was time sensitive (my son's 4 yr old birthday party). We have seen a significant shift in our house from frustration and annoyance to everyone feeling empowered and having FUN. I really cannot say enough good things about how L&L has helped our family in countless ways. Icing on the cake is how often people (& teachers) comment on how polite or nice our boys are. Truthfully a parent always loves to hear that. We love to hear how our 4 year old talks to his 2 year old brother with kind words and uses L&L phrases that we (as parents) have said to him.  Love & Logic has given us skills that make us feel proud of the way we parent & be able to parent with confidence. I look around at other parents who are searching for how to make their children behave and I am thankful to have found Steve & Judy and Love & Logic. I embrace the premise of L&L, to TEACH our children to think for themselves & have fun with our kids. L&L helps us remember to focus on building a positive relationship with our kids. I have worked with children, as a speech pathologist, for 14 years now. I wish I had learned about L&L 14 years ago I know it has made me a better therapist. Julie Davis-Strand, PEP Board Member, Speech Language Pathologist, Mother of three under five – 10/27/06 Love and Logic is the best approach I've ever seen for building self-esteem in both the parent and the child. This fun and down-to-earth program is a "must do" adventure for every parent who wants to optimize their family dynamics. Judy and Steve Osterhage of "Family Fuel" are an unbeatable facilitating team! Having a couple who live and utilize these skills in their own home brings tremendous richness and practical application into each session. Marilyn Grosboll, Director of Family Dynamics & Self-Esteem Facilitator and Coach – 10/26/06mailto:steve@familyfuel.comshapeimage_1_link_0